Why Do You Choose That Pain?
by The Girl in the Red Jacket
Summary: This has been dubbed angst fest 2003. Fun eh? *slash* Pairings include: Tommy/Jason and Billy/Jason
1. Tommy

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The song is Your Winter by Sister Hazel, who rock btw. 

Author's Note: Thanks to Mandi for beta'ing this so quickly, I don't know how you do it but I'm glad you do. Hopefully the next story won't make us have to poke Will with a stick eh?

This story is what I've taken to calling angst fest 2003. It's going to be three parts, I think, and probably isn't what Danny had in mind when he said he wanted me to write a Billy/Jason story. Ooops. :-) This is slash, m/m, so if you don't like that find the back button. Otherwise enjoy! But please don't poke Will to hug him we've discovered that doesn't get a favourable reaction.

Edited to add: Another songfic where the lyrcis have been removed. The song it was is listed above.

Why Do You Choose That Pain?

He looks so peaceful when he's sleeping. He's relaxed even. He's never relaxed when he's awake. His body is always so tense, even when we're making love he's tense, as if any moment the world is going to come crashing down on him. Nothing I do makes that tension go away.

It's funny, in a sad kind of way, to see him smile in his sleep. It's faint; his lips just curve a tiny bit, but it's there.

I know he's not dreaming of me.

It looks more genuine when he smiles in his sleep. Maybe it's because you can't see his eyes. When he is awake and smiling all you have to do is look into his eyes and know he is only doing it for appearances sake. He tries. He tries so hard but anyone close to him knows those smiles aren't real.

Sometimes I can't even stand to look at those eyes. I used to love to. I could have spent hours staring into those midnight pools before, memorizing every fleck of colour and sparkle of warmth in their depths. He never loved me as more than a friend then but I could deal with that. I'd take what he would give me. The love I saw there for me was that of a brother but it was still love in his eyes. I miss that.

His eyes are dull now. I would say they were dead but they contain too much pain to be that of a corpse. He told me once, before we became lovers, that the pain is what lets him know he's alive. Without it he would just assume he was dead because not even hell could be that bad.

I didn't believe him at the time but I'm beginning too. He is still alive, still plodding along, but I don't think he even knows why anymore, other than he was asked to by his real love. Once I thought I could heal him but that's a load of bull and I know it. Maybe I even knew it then.

* * *

He tried to warn me. He tried to tell me what it was like, that he didn't think he'd be able to love like that again. I didn't believe him, I didn't want to. Hey, I loved him, I still love him. I thought I could help him heal, give him back his smile.

I never knew how deep his pain went, how thick it was.

I should have known. I watched him fall apart after Billy's death. I held his hand at the funeral, we all tried to support him but... he didn't seem to really need it. Everyone commented on how well he was holding up. We should have seen he was too calm, too detached. It wasn't until later that we found out why he hadn't cried for Billy.

He thought he had to remain strong for us. Power Rangers just don't break down. There's too much riding on our abilities to stay focussed to allow us that luxury. We all screwed up when we didn't see that he was putting his duty as a Ranger first, burying the pain to deal with later. If we had just seen it, not been so damn blind, maybe we could have spared him some pain.

I held him, rocked him in my arms, as he had some sort of breakdown after giving up his powers. He kept asking why he was still there. I thought he was just rambling. I didn't know those bloody powers were the only thing holding him together because they gave him a purpose to get up in the morning.

That day was awful. It's bad enough we almost lost him to those goddamn powers but I think he wanted Trey to be unable to take them back in time. He wanted to die. Sometimes I think we would have been better to let him.

I hate thinking about that day. Taking away those powers were the worst thing we could have done to him. It took away what he thought was his only purpose. Everything he had kept inside since Billy died poured out of him.

I thought he would never stop shaking, stop sobbing. Loud sobs intermingled with mostly incoherent words and that constant, maddening, terrifying trembling that just would not stop.

We had to sedate him in the end. He was crying so hard he started to throw up and Zordon was worried he would damage his stomach if we didn't stop him. He was out for hours and when he woke up... I should have known then that nothing would ever be the same.

He was so listless, so... broken. I never thought I'd see him like that, not Jason. It hurt to look at him some days, knowing that nothing we had tried had broken through his grief.

It was a surprise when he announced he was leaving for awhile. He didn't know for how long or where exactly, just that he would start off in Scotland. We all tried to convince him not to go but now, looking back, it was probably for the best. He was suffocating here, drowning in too much pity and too many watchful eyes.

I just wish he had changed more by the time he returned.

* * *

I hear him sobbing sometimes when he thinks I'm not home or asleep. It surprises me, sometimes, how much he cries. I would have thought those tears had run dry by now. How much can his tear ducts take?

How can he still be crying after two years?

Sometimes I think he'll never get any better, that he'll never be happy again. I know he doesn't love me like he loved Billy. He'll never love me like that. But he does love me and I'll take what I can get.

It would be so easy to be mad at Billy, so easy to blame all this on him but how can I do that? The only reason he died was because he wanted to protect us, help us. How can I blame him for that? I would have done the same if it had been in my power to do it.

And watching him die... Seeing him age before our eyes, just waste away like something out of a bad tv show... That was hell. I'll never forget it. I can't imagine what it must be like for Jason. He has holding him, cradling the too old, too frail body as Billy died.

Billy had been talking to him, murmuring how much he loved him between the soft whimpers of pain when his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he just went still. I've never seen someone die before, not that close. It terrified me. He just stopped breathing, just stopped existing, just stopped.

Jason wouldn't believe it. He wouldn't let any of us take Billy away from him. He insisted he was just sleeping. He kept talking to him as if Billy could still hear him.

It was three hours before he finally faltered. His voice hitched, everyone who hadn't fled the room in tears already heard it. He let out a sob, just one dry sob, and pressed Billy's body closer, resting his head against his forehead for a moment before letting Adam take the body from him and rushing from the room.

None of us saw him for two days after that.

He wasn't the same when he came back from wherever he went in those two days. He's never been the same since. He's so broken, so much more than I had thought.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to help him.

Sometimes I get the feeling by just being here, not letting go, I am helping him, not to heal just to keep on existing. Sometimes he'll share a memory or a half laugh or something that will make it feel like he's not dead inside, not totally, not yet.

Then there are some days, or weeks, where he's just so hollow I can hardly remember what he was like before Billy's death, before all is pain consumed him.

I just don't know what to do to make those nearly happy moments last.

I hardly ever know what to do anymore.

I wish I could blame him. I wish I could blame anybody but I can't, not if I'm being fair. He tried to warn me. He fought tooth and nail against going this step further in our relationship for awhile but, in the end, he gave in.

I don't blame him for that. I mean, he's only human and he was hurting so badly… Why not take what I was offering, pushing at him? It must have looked like a comfort, though now I'm not sure it is for either of us. Some days I catch a glimpse of something in his eyes and know he's aware of what he's doing to me. He knows how much it's hurting me.

He tries to hard to be what he thinks I want him to be. It's unfair to him really. He didn't ask for this, warned me against it, and now he has to suffer more than he was because of it. We're both suffering, suffocating, and sometimes I get this sinking feeling that when this all comes to a head he's going to draw the short straw.

But I just can't let him go. I want to believe it can work. I have to believe it because I think this might be his last chance at not being miserable for the rest of his life. I don't want to be the reason that's screwed up for him.

I don't want to be the one to hurt him again.

But I don't want to become what he has because he can't love me.

Sometimes I hate myself for getting him into this mess in the first place. I should have been content to just stay friends. Sometimes I think I could have helped him more if we hadn't become lovers.

Then he wouldn't have to try and be what I wish he was. He wouldn't think he has to grieve in silence, alone, because he thinks I don't want Billy's memory to ruin our relationship, such as it is, but there's no way to not have it become part of our relationship. Jason and Billy… For such a long time they were each other, guardians of each other's hearts, keepers of each other's souls, whatever corny thing you want to call it they gave themselves to each other and when Billy died Jason never got himself back.

I don't blame either of them for it; at least I don't want to blame them. How can anyone find fault in that kind of love? And I loved Billy, as a friend, as a team mate. I miss him too but I can live without him. Jason, I'm starting to think he can't. Survive? Yes. Live? No. Nothing I do will change that.

It sucks but that's how it is.

He never accidentally calls me Billy. He has never mistaken me for his lost beloved. He always calls my name when we're making love.

But when he's dreaming he mumbles Billy's name with so much more than he will ever say my name with.

I don't know how much longer I can be second fiddle to his dreams.

* * *

We all make mistakes.

It was a mistake for me to try and pursue a relationship with Jason.

It was a mistake for him to eventually cave in.

It was a mistake for Billy to die.

Sometimes I think it had to be a mistake that Jason didn't die.

It's morbid but sometimes when he's talking in his sleep he sounds so heartbroken as he whimpers Billy's name I can't help but think it would be better if they were together.

It's all screwed up and I don't have a clue, nobody has a clue, how to make it better. Maybe it's just something that can't be fixed, no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard all of us try.

I would make it better if I could. I think I would do anything to heal him, even if it meant taking Billy's place.

I love him. I, Tommy Oliver, am madly in love with Jason Lee Scott.

It's just not enough.

How long can you say I love you to someone without hearing them say it back?


	2. Jason

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The song is Sympathy by the Goo Goo Dolls who I will be seeing in concert on Thursday! Squeals 

Author's Note: Thank you and sorry to Mandi. I'm hoping she doesn't kill her Jason clone by hugging him too hard when the last part comes out. Scott and Oliver are telling me to say thank you for knocking, they've never had to get dressed so quickly before in their lives!

There is going to be one more part to this but don't count on a happy ending. It will continue to be angst fest 2003. Don't you hate it when your muse decides to get dark?

Edited to add: Another songfic where the lyrcis have been removed. The song it was is listed above.

Killing Myself from the Inside Out

When he's sleeping, sometimes, I can forget what we've become. I can think that we're still just friends, that I didn't screw myself over by getting involved with my best friend just because I wasn't strong enough to live with the loneliness anymore.

But then his bare skin will brush against mine and I can't pretend anymore.

I miss what we were more than anything sometimes. I miss my friend. When we became lovers, everything changed. I had to change because Tommy deserves so much more than what I could give him, still grieving. I tried to stop, but I may as well have tried to stop breathing. I can't seem to do either.

I can't seem to do anything right anymore.

Every moment I spend with Tommy now seems like a betrayal of Billy's love. And every moment I spend thinking of Billy seems like a betrayal of Tommy's love. I know intellectually that it's really neither. Billy wouldn't want me to be like this, he'd want me to move on, or so I've been told by everyone, including myself, dozens of times.

Well Billy's dead. He left me and he's never coming back so...

Oh God. I didn't just think that. I didn't just think that. I didn't. Please, I didn't think that.

* * *

I hate myself sometimes, scratch that, most of the time. If only everyone knew what was going on in my head now. They wouldn't believe it. How could they? Strong, sensible, big brother Jason, I'm not exactly a candidate for self-hatred. I doubt any of my friends, my family, could have seen this coming. None of them ever thought anything except that I was holding up well, being brave, after Billy... died, how is it still hard to say that? 

Guess they didn't know me as well as they thought they had. I managed to keep it together for awhile. Billy... died for the Power Rangers, at least I could keep going, keep fighting, for him if for nothing else. I was already dying inside then, but I had a reason to wake up in the morning, there was a reason I wasn't dead yet, with him yet.

They say I had some sort of breakdown when Trey had to take back the powers. I don't know. I don't remember anything past collapsing in the Youth Center until I woke up three days later, feeling like I'd been run over by a truck and that my head was stuffed full of soggy cotton. The general weakness I was feeling was from the loss of the Gold Ranger Powers. The grogginess was because I'd been pretty heavily sedated.

I don't know what I did to warrant such heavy drugging. No one talks about it. I asked Zordon about it once, he insisted on monitoring me even after I ran away from Angel Grove. He wouldn't tell me much except that whatever he had picked up about my internal state had justified knocking me out until any and all backlash from the powers was gone. And we're not talking physical backlash here, that didn't go away for nearly a year, emotionally I was a mess.

Guess what? I still am.

I don't think anyone understands that yet. I'm not healing. It's been years and I still can't seem to function without him. I get buy alright, I guess, but most of the time it feels like I'm sleeping walking and, sooner or later ,I'm going to walk myself right off a cliff without knowing it.

Oh, I'm not suicidal. I think, for awhile, I may have been but now... I just can't find the drive to even really think about it. I know I'm not going to go through with it so what's the point of pretending?

I might have, earlier but...Billy and I hadn't been dating long when we became Rangers, just a few weeks, but I had loved him for a quite awhile before that and I'm pretty sure the feeling went both ways. It was the first time I had ever gotten injured in battle and for awhile no one was sure whether the injury would prove to be fatal or not. I only regained consciousness that day because the equipment of the Command Center was very, very advanced.

After I had been awake for a few hours what had nearly happened hit Billy. There is always that initial reaction when a Ranger realizes that yes, we can die doing this. We're not invincible, only mortal, and Rangering isn't a game. It hit me the first time an attack drew the blood of one of my teammates.

I threw up everything I had eaten that day, it felt more like I was losing everything from the past week, and spent a few hellish nights watching myself each and every one of my team mates in my dreams. Eventually, it doesn't hit you as hard and you start to understand that just because there is a chance of death doesn't mean it has to happen.

Billy's reaction was to hug me hard enough to bruise my bones. You would never guess just how much strength he had in him unless you've been on the receiving end of an embrace like that. He told me that he wasn't sure he could have kept going if I had left him and we made a promise, then and there, to keep living if one of us died in the fight.

I promised to keep living and I'm half glad I only promised that. Anything but living, breathing hurts too much now.

Death came for only one of us in the end and my beloved didn't die a hero's death. Didn't die in battle. He died an old man, his body failing him, in my arms as he tried to comfort me. Sometimes all I can ever see is that wasted body, the still young eyes trapped in that shell as they fizzled out. Fuck, that memory hurts more than swallowing glass and I haven't stopped bleeding inside since it happened.

I'm not sure the bleeding will ever stop. That's what everyone doesn't understand. I'm not healing because I don't want to, I would do it, only because I know Billy wouldn't want me to be stuck in this cruel form of purgatory. I'm not healing because I can't. I just can't.

For such a long time I believed I could. I thought that maybe, someday, I could be happy again. Part of me still hoped that that part of me was still alive.

There's no hope left for me anymore.

But there is hope for Tommy and I won't hurt him anymore. I won't let him die inside. He'll stay with me, try to help me, heal me, until... forever, I guess. I just know he won't leave me. If a Ranger knows anything it's how to sacrifice yourself for someone else. He loves me; he thinks it will be worth it in the end.

Newsflash: it won't be. I'm not worth it anymore. I'm past that point and I won't drag him down with me.

We were always on the same level as Rangers, I won't change that now. I won't be selfish like that; I love him, as my friend, too much.

* * *

I don't think anyone else will see it for what it is. No one will guess that I'm giving up my only chance at not hurting with every heartbeat to give him the chance to be happy. I want him to be happy and I can't give that to him. I can't be the person I was anymore. 

It's hard enough just being most days.

People have always told me I'm so strong. I guess there must be some sort of strength in not following Billy but not much. He became my strength; Billy was my strength, my heart. Just like I was his.

I've never liked to do things in halves and neither did he. By the time Tommy had arrived in Angel Grove I had given my heart to Billy but that was okay because he had given his to me. Two people, two hearts, it worked still.

When he died I had nothing but the artificial, the obligation I was tied to until Trey saved me and condemned me by taking the Gold Ranger powers. You can't hold the heart of a dead man, and trying to explain that to people just makes them look at you funny. I wasn't about to take my heart away from him either, even if I knew how to I wouldn't.

I think that would be just as crippling to me as living like this.

God, I miss him. Sometimes I hate him for leaving me, for dying, for not being invincible but I've never stopped missing him and I've never stopped loving him with more of me than I think I can spare.

I dream of him. It's messed up to have dreams as your rock, your anchor to sanity, but I don't know what I'd do if I didn't dream of him. Half the time the dreams aren't even good. I'll dream of his death but I'll still relish it because at least for a few unreal moments I have him in my arms again.

I can still feel him against me, inside me, consuming me. I can still recall in vivid detail what he looks like, smells like, sounds like, and tastes like. My senses haven't forgotten him in the least. They are still consumed with him.

But what happens in twenty years when it's not so clear? What happens then?

Maybe I'll be lucky and I won't live that long.

* * *

I hate doing this. He's not oblivious. He knows that I'm not... right. I think he's heard me crying. I try not to, I try to hold it in but sometimes it's all I can do it keep breathing. The grief is overwhelming sometimes but I can keep it under control until I'm alone. 

God, if I ever broke down in public I'd be shipped off to therapy again. Before I left Angel Grove I tried grief counselling. It didn't do anything but piss me off. I wasn't feeling half of what the counsellor said I should, just a gaping emptiness.

When I came back after two years of basically bumming around, doing very little, I tried it again.

I figured maybe it had been too soon, the first time. Maybe I hadn't been ready to, I don't know, deal with it I guess. Different therapist, same results.

Maybe I'm still not ready. I don't know but I've run out of time to deal with it.

I'm setting Tommy free. He should never have gotten into this. I should never have let this happen but I know how to fix it.

It will hurt. I don't doubt that, I know he cares for me in ways I wish I could return. It will hurt him, me leaving like this, sneaking off at night. I've been planning it for a few weeks now. An old friend from the Peace Conference found me an apartment in Maine. I've already shipped most of my stuff there; all that is left fits into my car. It's a bit drastic but it needs to be done.

Tommy will bounce back. He'll probably hate me for awhile, I'll become somewhat of a villain to all my friends for sneaking off in the middle of the night like this but eventually they'll forgive me, I hope. I don't plan on contacting any of them for a long, long time. I'm not sure when, or if, I'll see them again.

I know if I leave him like this everything will turn into my fault. I won't be able to come back here, not for a long time. Tommy will still have everyone but... It has to be this way though. It's better this way.

God, I don't want to do this. I don't want to lose them. I still need them...

But I don't know how this can work any other way. If I stay and break up with Tommy we'll either stay friends and fall into the same thing again or we won't stay friends. If that's the case I don't think I could see him occasionally around town or make our friends choose between the two of us. No, I won't let that happen.

I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Maybe... Maybe I'll contact Trini or Zack after a few months. They'll hear me out, I think, and won't say anything to the others if I ask them not to. I shouldn't. I should leave entirely but I just... I still need them even if it's just to hear the voice of someone who really knew me. And who knew Billy too.

I wish I could talk to Tommy about this. I miss my best friend. I still need him too but I blew that because I missed being touched, held, so much. I just... I just wanted to know I could still be loved, that love still existed, that it hadn't died with Billy.

For me it had but I didn't want to believe that. Now I do, I know it, and it's too late. I've not only lost my beloved but everything else I had worth living for. Tommy will need them more than I do when he wakes up tomorrow and realizes I'm gone for good. It's a shitty thing to do but it's all I can give him. The chance to be happy.

I just... I can't help but wish that it didn't have to be this way. I don't want to leave them; I don't want to cut my ties to this place even if it no longer feels like home. Billy was home but... this was as close as I could ever get. Part of me still needs that.

But Tommy needs it more. He needs to be happy. I want him to be happy even if he never understands why I left, why I never said good bye. I had my happiness. I'd do this all over again, live with all the pain for the rest of eternity, if it means I have that time with Billy to remember, to cherish. I love him so much still.

Tommy needs to find a love like that. He deserves it and I can't, won't ever, be able to give it to him. My heart still belongs to a dead man and it will be his forever.

Love is truly the best and worst of times. I know Dickens wasn't talking about love but it fits. I just hope Tommy finds that, and learns how to appreciate it, take the good times and really taste them, cherish them. The hard times... They made the good times better, made Billy even more precious to me. Now... It's not over because I can't let go of him. It's not dead it's just... not complete anymore.

It never will be again. It can't be without him and I won't pretend anymore. It's not fair to either of us.

I won't let him turn into me, even if leaving just adds to my pain. He deserves more and I know he'll find it eventually.

All I can do is say goodbye to what once was.


	3. Rocky

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The song is Shade of Gray by the Monkees and thank you to Mandi for coming up with it after I spent two days searching for the right song! 

Author's Note: Thank you to Mandi, as always, for being a wonderful beta and not hugging Scott and Oliver and Will to death after this. I feel sorry for your clones because you must have seen them before you got a hold of mine!

The narrator of this is Rocky. Yes, Rocky. There is a reason why and no, it's not because he's in love with Jason.

And this is where I will be running away and hiding from all the people who wanted a happy ending...

Edited to add: Another songfic where the lyrcis have been removed. The song it was is listed above.

Shades of Gray

He looks like he's at peace now. Fuck, I hope he is. I know I've done wrong by him in the past. Hell I've handled a lot of stuff recently pretty badly, but maybe, at least a bit, I can make it up to him. It feels awful, knowing he's forgiven me anyway; even gone so far as to tell me there's nothing to forgive.

I don't know whether I just want this to be over or not. I want him to be free of all this, he's had to deal with too much pain for so long, but that means losing him again.

I don't want to lose him again.

It's funny, he was gone seven years and I managed to convince myself I didn't miss him, that I hated him for what he did to Tommy. We all did. I can't help but think he might have planned that somehow, for Tommy's benefit. I know it wasn't for his.

The first thing he did, after he regained consciousness, after I told him off, was tell me how much he had missed me, had missed all of us. Bastard. He couldn't be just the least bit angry? Couldn't he just blame someone else for a change?

At first I thought he was in denial but as far as Jason is concerned that is just a river in Egypt. He knows he's dying, he knows it's going to be painful; he knows some bridges won't be mended before he leaves us again. He knows it and he accepts, it even if he doesn't enjoy it.

I know he didn't enjoy the confrontation with Tommy. That cost him a lot. It cost me something too. Trey is going to take him away now. I don't want him to. I know I messed up but... I want to be able to make it up to him. These past few days haven't been enough to do that. If Trey takes him away I won't even get the chance.

Trey is half dozing right now, sitting next to Jason's bed. I know if Jason's condition changes even slightly he'll be wide awake. Trey is exhausted but he's still almost scarily attuned to Jason. I don't think he's left Jason side since the... incident with Tommy.

I offered to spell him for awhile but he shot that notion down without even saying a word. I don't think I've ever had daggers that sharp thrown at me before. He doesn't trust me. I'm not sure he ever will again, or at least not when it comes to Jason.

The man himself is sleeping. Well, not sleeping. He never just sleeps anymore. He's just so drugged he couldn't be awake even if he wanted to be.

Today was bad. It's starting to make me want Trey to take him away. Not because I'm in a hurry to lose him again but because if Jason were on Triforia they'd be able to do more for him. They'd be able to really stop the pain without sending him into this sham of sleep.

If I hadn't been so stupid...

But I was and the person who has to suffer the most for my mistake is Jason. His nervous system is going haywire now. Even the touch of the sheets against his skin can be painful for him at times. Trey had to drug him this time to keep him from going into convulsions because of the pain. He's just too weak to fight it anymore.

God, I can't help but wonder what's going to happen next.

The only reason he's here now, other than my stupidness, is because he wanted to check on us, make sure we were all doing okay before he left. If I hadn't happened to be in the right place at the right time I would have missed him entirely, and he would be safe on Triforia right now. If his sense of balance hadn't been shot already at that point I wouldn't have caught up with him.

Even still, hanging on to my out-of-place anger as I was, I felt my heart skip a beat when I found him sprawled on the path, disoriented and only semi-conscious.

I had been about to call an ambulance when Trey appeared. He told me what was going on after we had taken Jason to my home. He was groggy but he told me he was glad to see me, bowed to my selfish wishes because he felt guilty.

I didn't really believe it when Trey told me he was dying. It took some convincing but when I did believe it I did the dumbest thing possible. I demanded that Jason stay at least until he had contacted all the former Rangers, all his former friends. I guilted him into it but set the condition of not even letting Tommy know he was there. That was all he wanted.

Trey was entirely opposed to the idea. He wanted to take Jason to Triforia then and there.

I should have let him. As it was, he insisted on being at least in the house whenever someone other than me was there. He had to be there a lot anyway; even then Jason was dependant on the drugs Trey brought from Triforia to keep his body from just shutting down completely.

I'm glad of his instance now. Jason was weak then, getting him upset just made him sicker and most of visits upset him. Another thing I should have known. That's becoming my favourite expression.

Some of the people who should be helping him through this are not. I mean, I wouldn't have asked Kat if I'd known she was still angry. She upset him, then took stabs at me and Trey about harbouring him, and wasn't the least bit apologetic about it either.

I know she felt hurt for Tommy when Jason left but still...

Jason was a mess afterwards. He wouldn't show it in front of her but after she left, I realized just how much damage getting upset could do to him. Trey was prepared but it still took us about an hour and a lot of heavy drugs to get him settled again.

It wouldn't be the first time a "friend" left him like that. Tanya reacted just like Kat.

Kim... it was more difficult with her because she didn't want to upset him. She was still angry on Tommy's behalf; they have so much history together that it's understandable. But she still loved Jason, she had watched his relationship with Billy from the very beginning after all, and she at least understood why he did what he did.

She felt guilty about being mad at him, about not even attempting to contact him for all the time he'd been gone. Somehow all her guilt was brought up during her visit and she was so upset about everything it got him upset and with that comes the pain...

He held out until she left, then he went on a downward spiral that left him drugged to his eyeballs for two days because if he wasn't drugged he was nearly screaming in pain. God that was a nightmare.

Then Trey still trusted me enough to watch over him while he went back to do his duties on Triforia. Now he's put everything on hold to make sure Jason is alright but then he wasn't here constantly.

I watched over him after Kat had left, the first time we had to drug him unconscious to stop the pain, and after Tanya and Kim left too. He looked troubled, even floating in a drug induced stupor as he was.

I should have known then what I was planning to do was stupid but I didn't. I thought it would help them both. I thought they could heal things between them, you know? I thought it would be good for them.

I was wrong.

It's my fault he's like this. The one thing he asked for was to keep Tommy away. He knew it was too late to solve anything between them. He just wanted to let is end as it was. Tommy was happy with his new boyfriend; he didn't need their past to be dragged up again.

And he knew he couldn't deal with it. He missed Tommy. It hurt him to leave as much as it hurt Tommy to have him leave. He lost his best friend that day, the only person I know of who managed to get through his grief for even a little while, and when he left he lost all of us too.

I didn't want them to take those hurts to the grave.

The only thing I can say in my defence is that I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't know Tommy would react like that. I would never, ever, had let him near Jason had I known.

Jason had been fragile as it was that day. I didn't know as much as Trey but I knew it was a bad day for him. I knew if he got too upset it would spell disaster but I thought they could put it behind them.

Tommy knew Jason was sick, dying even. I told him he had to be gentle, that Jason was frail now, that he couldn't take too much. Even talking could exhaust him sometimes. I thought Tommy would listen to that, that he would take this chance to help them both.

I did not expect Tommy to go in there with an agenda to get every past hurt out in the open and basically rip Jason to shreds. Yeah, okay, I knew that there would be some tense moments between them but I did not know Tommy was that resentful, that he still harboured so much anger. I mean, he has been happy since Jason left. He has found someone who he can love who loves him. He should not have wanted some screwed up version of revenge from Jason.

It didn't take long for things to come to a head. Jason was surprised, upset and couldn't get a word in edgewise around Tommy's ranting. And then Tommy grabbed his arm.

Jason's nervous system had been on the verge of collapse. Trey had only just been able to keep it stable until that point. That rough touch had done it in.

Jason didn't cry out, only gave a soft wail as he began to seize, so lost in the pain I doubt he even realized who he was anymore. Trey teleported in a moment later, livid upon taking in the scene, and had quite literally tossed Tommy out the door.

While he was... dealing with Tommy I was left alone with Jason. Thank God it didn't take Trey long. I fumbled to give him the pain medication Trey had left with me but I just made it worse by touching him to try and still him.

Trey was still seething when he rushed back into the room but instead of taking his anger out on me, which must have been tempting, he went to Jason. He managed to administer the pain medication quicker and more efficiently than I ever would have. He drugged him as much as he could, leaving Jason so out of it he couldn't see straight but stopping the pain and the seizures.

He carried Jason into the washroom, leaving me to clean up the mess in the bedroom without a word between us. Jason had thrown up several times and... soiled himself during the seizures.

I finished changing the sheets before Trey had finished tending to Jason. He wasn't really aware of what was going on while Trey bathed him and by the time he was back in bed he had fallen deeply into a drug induced slumber.

It was only after Jason was safely tucked in bed, laying in the fake peace of an artificial slumber, that Trey turned on me. Not even my mother has been able to make me feel that horrible. If he could have taken Jason away that instant he would have but Jason was too weak to travel. Trying to take him to Triforia, by ship or teleportation, would have killed him.

As soon as he gets a little stronger though, Trey is taking him away. I'm not going to try and stop him this time. Jason deserves all the peace he can get and I don't think he'll find it here.

* * *

It's almost time for Trey to take him away. I feel like balling but I won't because I don't want to upset him. God, I wish this all hadn't happened.

That's not to say there haven't been a few good moments in the past few weeks he's stayed here. In the beginning, he was only here because I had been the one who found him but it really is the best place for him, or would have been if I wasn't so stupid.

Zack and Trini would have taken him in in a heartbeat but they have their children to look after and Jason wouldn't have been able to rest as much as he needed to there. Adam hasn't been bad around him, he isn't mad anymore, he's been supportive, but he just doesn't know what to say. Death scares him, especially when it's like this.

Me, well, if I hadn't made those mistakes this could've worked out better. I mean, once we put our differences aside we became really good friends. We talked a lot when he was strong enough. I tried to let him know how much I'll miss him when he leaves us again, I think he understands that he's family to me, that he always will be no matter what bonehead mistakes I've made in the past.

And some of the reconnecting he has done had been good for him. Especially with Trini and Zack. He had meant to connect them eons ago, wanted to, he's told me and he did get that chance. They came by whenever they were able.

I'd peak in to give him his medications sometimes and find him sandwiched between them. Curled up between his family, the people who knew him when he was at his best, when he still had Billy, he actually looked happy for a few moments. He confessed to me once during a talk we had that sometimes he just wanted to be held again, not in a romantic way but just comforted, loved, like he used to be.

They gave him that again. I think when he's aware he knows it and remembers what he was, what life was for him, before he lost Billy. I think that's why he looks so settled, so at peace, when he's not completely out of it.

Like he is now. He's stronger, strong enough to be moved, but he's not really there at the moment. Trey knows it, he looks grim. I don't think Jason will last much longer no matter where he is. I'm hoping it'll be less painful for him on Triforia.

He's bundled up in blankets, and we've decided that the safest way to move him is by teleportation. His body is more used to that than space travel anyway.

And I'm crying as I try and say goodbye even though I don't know if he can hear me. Trey has told me I can come visit, he's extended the same invitation to Trini, Zack, Adam and Kim. We're not going to abandon him but I have a feeling he's not going to be aware of that for much longer. He's slipping and we can't do anything about it.

I touch his cheek before he goes and he rouses out of his drifting long enough to look confused and then smile just a little at me. I'm babbling that I'm sorry for everything, for nothing, I'm not even sure I know anymore. He tells me it's okay, it's forgiven and asks if I think I can forgive him.

I couldn't say no if I wanted to. I say yes and goodbye and that I'll miss him, that he's my brother, that I love him and I try to stop my tears because upsetting him is the last thing I want to do. I don't know how much he notices them because he whispered me too and fades out again, lost half in the drugs and half in his deterioration.

Then Trey takes him away and I'm left wondering if I'll ever see him again.

Tommy didn't try contacting him again. I think he'll come to regret not making peace with his once lover, once best friend. I know he will. I just hope it doesn't hurt him too badly. Jason wouldn't have wanted that despite the pain they caused each other.

Trini and Zack had been to see him on Triforia but I hadn't. They told me he wasn't really there anyway. That he wasn't in any pain anymore but that he could barely lift his eyes open enough to see them one last time.

None of us were with him when he died. Trey was. Trey didn't leave his side for the final three days, and I take some comfort in knowing he wasn't alone, even if he wasn't really there to know he wasn't.

We're burying him here, next to Billy, in a few days. We have to wait first because he has to go through some rites on Triforia first, or his body does. Apparently they thought him a bit of a hero there, for saving their prince, going to be king as soon as the funeral is over. I think Trey would have liked to have him buried there but he belongs here, with us, beside Billy.

I just hope they've found each other in whatever comes next too.


End file.
